Sitting here typing this I’m not even sure if I want to “publish it”. If I publish it that makes it real. I have admitted that I have not been as happy as I thought I would be where I am. Going through each day I keep running into the same pumps. Not wanting to do what I “should do”; not knowing what I “want to do”, and just feeling like I have been working ALL day but nothing has gotten done. It’s been going on for too long, something has to give.
I grew up in a family that valued what we did A LOT. My dad left when I was very young as a child to fill that void I felt like I was missing (in that area of love) I would people please, and just be the “good little girl” who did what she was told. My mom did the best she could but I was always trying to fill the void with something. At the end of high school till just before I met Cory when I was 20 is was detrimental things like drinking, partying, trying to fit in, boys, food, anything to try and make the hurt and emptiness go away. It never did with all that by the way, none of the things I was doing were making me feel better at all. I never felt loved, in fact, I felt used and depressed even more.
Long story short here we are; I am a Coach and Speaker and I can’t seem to find my joy in it. Don’t get me wrong I feel so blessed to have everything I do. If I’m being totally honest though right now I feel more stress and overwhelm. Isn’t this supposed to be fun? They say you have to be truly passionate about what you do and it shouldn’t feel like work. But yall, I don’t feel it. I love what I do but something is holding me back, something is making me not want to push forward. So back to the good ol drawing board, I have to go.
Have I been adding too much value to what others think of me? Looking for their love and praise because of what I do and say? Like I did as a child, looking for love from others. Trying to please people I really don’t even know and being “perfect” for things like “likes”, comments and followers? These questions and so many more have been weighing on me. Along with something I heard in “Present over Perfect” by Shauna Niequist “I learned if I hustle fast enough the emptiness will never catch up with me”. Am I hustling to do these things I feel like I have to do because like that scared sweet child I still feel like my worth and the love I receive will come from that?
So I have decided to take this time God has blessed me with to take all expectations off of myself. To not compare and hustle myself into a terrible place. To just say Yes when I truly, truly want to and to be there for others at best as I can. To find the joy in the amazing parts like my family, quiet mornings, and amazing chocolate.
We are all just doing the best we can with what we have. Part of this journey is learning that the love has been there all along. From God and inside of you. We have to look for love in ourselves, not from external things. We have to sometimes take a step back and do the work on the inside first.