I can feel it coming. The pain is so strong in my chest and throat that I cannot ignore that it is coming. I try to fight it, I do all my “tools and tricks” but nothing is working. She is rearing her ugly head again, my anxiety has built up too much and she is stronger then she has been in a long time.
There are times in life when everything is going amazing. You feel on top of the world and like you have really made a difference in who you are and know your closer to who you know you can be. I was in a time like that just over a week ago. Yes, there was some stress but I felt amazing and like things were finally going how I knew they could be all along. Then it happened, a disaster we were not expecting. The hurricane that has torn apart our little piece of North Carolina.
I don’t want to be the person who fells apart when a disaster happens, I want to be that warrior I know I can be. But guys, sometimes it is just too much. We are reminded that we are very much still in a battle of the mind. Sometimes you cannot be strong enough and strength comes from allowing yourself to not be ok. To do all you can to take care of you but know this season of life will eventually end.
May I just say this has been one of the hardest times and I couldn’t help but write about it because I don’t know what else to do honestly. Everything has changed in our lives and yes we are still so blessed but I almost feel like I’m coming into a grieving process for so much. Sounds crazy to me but it is what it is.
Now, this does not mean this girl will lay down on the battlefield and give up totally. There is still some fight in here I know it. BUT I am allowing myself to feel this and try to take away the guilt I may feel about not being who I thought I was supposed to be. I am working on releasing all expectations from myself and just working on being. This will be an amazing time on change and transition and it will be so hard. I have faith that God will use this to mold and make us into something even better and stronger.
My mental illness will never “go away” and I need to remember that that’s ok. That there is beauty in the most human parts of us; and sometimes that is not pretty. We can learn to keep going and learn along that way who God wants us to really be. I know for too long I have been working to mold myself into who I thought God wanted me to be. Holding onto something that He is working to help me let go of.
So, for now, let’s all try to be grateful, live in the present, and be ok with releasing the expectations we have of ourselves.